In September this year, I returned to university to start my second year of Film Studies. When arriving back in Cheltenham I first thought that my feelings would somewhat lift, I felt that everything would somehow be lighter.
I should now state that my summer of 2015 was very hard, during it I felt my mental health changing.
Throughout most of my teens and young adult years, I have had trouble with my emotions. Managing my emotional well-being got to one point in my life that I had to begin therapy sessions when I was around 15.
I'm typing this meaningless-to-you-post because I feel that my life has been switched up, in such a short space of time my mental health has just crashed. During the summer of 2015, I became increasingly reserved. I isolated myself, and ended up shutting myself off from the outside world. It became so bad that I got to the point where I couldn't leave my house without at least one person with me. And even then I was still very anxious.
Anxiety gripped me unlike it ever had before. My past experience with therapy sessions proved very negative and had very little positive impact on me, so of course I withdrew more and shut down completely.
My summer became bleaker in my mind - most probably due to problems within my family. My parents have been separated for approximately 2-3 years now, and yet still live in the same house together. Along with this I have problems between myself and other members of my family. My tongue however was held throughout the summer holidays, I bit my lip when I felt myself being pushed and frustrated by annoying traits.
I stopped speaking to my mother, and depended on my boyfriend for almost anything.
I felt like I became a burden upon those who I loved, and that pushing them away would be better than pulling them down with me. I limited my speaking with my cousin, and became petty and bitter about simple things.
Deep down I was angry about my parents' situation, and that I was somewhat stuck between a family which never spoke about their feelings, and the world outside my house where I couldn't face others.
I felt scared to leave my home, I constantly felt that something horrible would happen if I went anywhere alone.
I took to avoiding others, and social situations. And to this day, I can't really give anyone a straight answer on why. I probably felt that I would be judged, I know that I thought I would be catcalled, mugged or abused.
My anxiety spiralled out of my control. I worried about walking up my local high-street alone. And thus, daily chores became hard, and even getting out of bed or changed soon seemed impossible.
I exploded one afternoon at my mum, my feelings about the family situation flooded her ears, and I soon came out with the truth that I was suicidal.
Since days of teenage years, I remember becoming increasingly depressed, along with heightened anxiety becoming apart of my life.
I recall feeling hopeless and alone, I began counselling in school, and soon moved onto NHS therapy - which left me with little hope for ever taking part in therapy again.
Soon, my confidence grew and I fell into a boring life. However I made lifelong friends, who I still cherish today. My life became normal again, even though in a period of time I failed many GCSEs, started a BTEC, and gradually failed to get into any choice of universities.
Then I was thankfully accepted into Gloucestershire through clearing, by being egged on by my best friend. My life was renewed. I met my boyfriend of almost two years, and felt like I was moving on from my old self.
However, summer of 2015 met me head on and brought back memories of a world I had forgotten. I felt like the 15 year old who shut herself out of people's lives.
After a summer away from university, I hated being at home in Bristol. Thinking that my second year at uni would bring me out of my depression was wrong thinking as well. Nothing changed, I still felt low and a change of scenery only made me more unhappy about leaving my house alone.
Finally, I was nudged to get help. My boyfriend promised me that it would be worth it. And he was right. The uni doctor put my on antidepressants, which would balance out chemicals in my brain and somewhat sooth my anxiety.
These were not overnight happy pills, they effected me severely and proceeded to me taking time off of lectures. My uni helped me a lot, and continue to do so. I was introduced to a self help service from the NHS, and now manage my depression and anxiety hand-in-hand with my medication.
I am not fixed. I still feel estranged from the world in some ways. I feel singled out, and often alone.
However, I have come a very long way since hiding in my home all summer.
I am still worried to this day, especially about relapsing.
Yet, I am proud of the progress I have made. I still need time to get use to my new love for life, and yes I still have bad days where I can barely get out of bed.
There is no cure for this.
But I am happy, and have been working hard in many aspects of my life.
This has been my feeble apology for lacking in posts of all the films I have seen in 2015.
There will be updates from now on.
Reach out to me if any of you need to.
