Passengers

Don't go see this if you liked the look of it just from what you saw in the trailer - it honest to god not what I wanted to see.

In the trailer for Passengers it cleverly tells you that there is a twist at the end of the film, well basically forget all of that because the supposed 'twist' is more at the start of the film sort of.

And to be honest this film is boring, so not worth money to watch it and anyway what else would you expect from the human bile that Jennifer Lawrence? 

She is quite annoying in this, like it is becoming increasingly hard to find a film where Lawrence just does an okay job, and manages to not annoy the absolute fuck out of me. Just go and fucking offend a whole fucking community's culture again. Sad.

I know I shouldn't let the fact that she is in a film shape the way I view it beforehand, and it's hard, but I went into watching this film expecting something bigger than what I got. I am in some ways disapointed with Passengers, and I think most others will be as well. The story itself is promising, but I just feel that both main actors just didn't really know or care about the characters they were playing. 

So, we meet Jim Preston (Chris Pratt) who mistakenly wakes up early in his pod when on a trip to the new earth with a load of other humans just sleeping away. Understandably he's pissed off that he can't be put back under and the ship is not helpful in any way. So after trying time and time over, he breaks half the ship without realising and gives up on everything - he now has to spend the rest of his life alone while it takes 90 years for the ship to arrive at the new earth. So, understandably he gets lonely after spending I think a whole year alone on the ship, only a robot bartender to talk to and no real money in his earnings to get any good food. He decides to wake someone up, and yes its Jennifer Lawrence, who has honestly one of the most stupid names ever - Aurora Lane. She isn't a superhero or anything, so why the weird name.

So after thinking for ages that she woke up by accident as well, the pair live together and fall in love, go on the dance machine, play basketball and get drunk and it isn't as entertaining as it sounds. None of this film is as good as it looks. Laurence Fishburne is in it for about a mini second, his part is so pointless you could blink and his character would be over and done with. 

The ending is nice in some way I suppose though.

It's okay.

Chris Pratt's character almost dies really when trying to save the whole ship and the most annoying actress in the whole world. But he doesn't, and like he really should have, maybe that would have made this film better. And so spoiler alert, the two live out the rest of their lives on the ship happily ever after...

oh and also grow a whole fucking rain-forest and I'm still not sure exactly why.

Watch this film when it evidently comes on ITV in the future, do not pay for this film. 

The Founder

I did enjoy this film. Probably more than other people have. 

And all you need to know and what you will solidly believe by the end of it is this - Michael Keaton plays a twat really fucking well.

Like I really liked this, but it made me horribly upset by the end of it. The guy this is based on - Ray Kroc, who renovated McDonalds into a fast food chain - yeah he's a dick. And Michael Keaton does a good job of playing this passive aggressive old ass man who gets swept up in making an empire out of someone else's design.

So first of all Ray Kroc starts out as a semi-successful ice cream machine salesman, and luckily he goes to check out a little lone restaurant McDonalds - who want to order way more machines than Ray has ever sold in one go. So he's checking it out, eats a maccie meal FOR 35 CENTS! And he loves it, meets the owners and get the backroom tour. So apparently eating out in the 50s was a pain in the ass for people on the road, because it was waiting around in your car for the wrong food to be delivered to you after ages of waiting and getting the stank eye from the new hip teenagers.

Rich and Mac McDonald are played by John Carroll Lynch and Nick Offerman - that's Twisty the Clown and Ron Swanson to you. And they're characters made me so sad. Basically you get to follow how Ray Kroc ruins the McDonald brothers lives and it's just even sadder because it all happened in real life, How Kroc took them both for a ride, gave one of them a heart attack, essentially stole their property and did it all legally makes me kind of sick to tell you the truth. But yet, if McDonalds had just stayed the lone company all the way out in a desert town, then I wouldn't be able to indulge my life in sub-par standard meals - that I will never give up, not ever.

Basically you will come away from watching this film, knowing only that Ray Kroc was evil but incredibly smart and a tactical business man.
Still don't like the man, but still like thanks Ray for the idea of introducing ice cream to McDonalds.
Very interesting film, but the ending is sad because THE MCDONALDS BROTHERS COULDN'T PROVE THEY HAD A HANDSHAKE AGREEMENT WITH KROC SO THAT THEY COULD RECEIVE THEIR ROYALITIES WHICH WOULD BE WORST SO SO FUCKING MUCH TODAY, LIKE OH MY GOD KROC YOU CLEVER CUNT.
Don't talk to me about Ray Kroc ever again.

La La Land

 This review may be short and not worth reading because I have little and uninteresting opinions on it. Also, I didn't cry, and it's come to my attention that when upon watching the ending to La La Land apparently most people tend to cry.



Maybe it was just me, a film doesn't tend to make me cry unless an animal or robot die in the end, or Mrs Doubtfire gives touching speech on divorced families. I might tear up now just thinking about it. But this doesn't make me some freak with no heart, there are many many more film endings on earth which are sadder than this one.

Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling are good actors in this, and the direction and aesthetic are good. This film is plain good... I have a problem with Stone and Gosling's singing voices. For a supposed 'Musical' they have the least strong voices for this type of singing, and yet, you do get this feeling that it isn't really a musical. It's more 'look at all these dance moves and ignore everything else'.

It is a film made for Oscar season, there's no doubt about it. And that's all there is about it. It is a nice story, with nice characters. And for some reason John Legend pops out of nowhere.

So yeah, go see this with your mum and nan, because it's that type of audience in some ways. I literally have nothing else to say on this film, sorry.

The Edge of Seventeen

Well yeah it's basically like Easy A. And essentially just expect all that you know what comes out of films like Easy A and Juno - spunky edgy girl who should be breaking THE FUCK DOWN but somehow holds it all together throughout her tough teen years where she just isn't like the other kids. I liked it of course, I mean this was the type of film I latched onto when I was seventeen, but seventeen year old Sarah was confused and annoying (I watched a lot of Kevin Smith in hope of getting a guy to like me).

Don't do it girls and boys.

So we have Nadine who has no friends throughout all of her early life, whereas her older brother Darian has everything made up for him in life. But of course Nadine finds someone as weird as her, and we meet Krista, the pair have been friends since a young age and depend on no one else. But of course Krista is in some ways better looking and more likeable than Nadine - HMM WHERE HAVE WE SEEN THIS BEFORE??? EASY A AND MOTHER FUCKING JUNO... THE DUFF?!

In a slice, this film isn't very independent in its storyline of course... I feel like I'm going to be writing the words 'of course' a lot in this.

Suddenly, Nadine catches Krista in bed with her brother after a night of drinking, and everything goes to shit for Nadine - oh yeah by the way her dad died a couple of years before all of this, so hello we have something sort of new in the teen film. Later on throughout the film we see Nadine take some of her meds - antidepressants, which I am so thankful for. Finally on camera it shows teen audiences that no you can't just sing a song or have a baby or write a fucking article and everything changes during your teen years. And it also shows the effects of her meds, Nadine gets down and begins to feel ill - trust me they're no happy pills. THANK YOU KELLY FREMON CRAIG. 

So, Nadine obviously gets along really well with her father, until the dad has to be replaced for another male figure in her life - oh look at that luckily she has this rude and blunt but in some ways hot teacher. This is where it gets weird for me because I had that teacher at school, except mine wasn't hot, I just saw him as someone to discuss The Smiths and Breaking Bad with... fuck me, younger Sarah was so awfully feminist but yet not attempting to support ALL of her fellow sisters - like seriously fuck younger Sarah Rogers, like really. 

Like this film sniffs so much of any other teen film. Nadine thinks she is before her time, and wants all her peers to stop looking at their phones and living on social media and contacting through emojis. WELL JOKES ON YOU NADINE BECAUSE THIS IS THE REAL WORLD AND WE USE TEXTING. I hate people my age and younger or a little older who think they should have been born in the 50s, like literally fuck off, AND Nadine fucking uses all of the big three she exclaims to hate - texting, facebook and emojis. What an problematic character.

So even though Nadine has a huge fight with so-called best friend Kirsta, she goes about life not speaking to her as her former best friend begins dating her brother and leaving her out of things. Nadine likes the bad boy, but should really be looking in the opposite direction with the guy she inadvertently is stringing along - poor old arty nerd guy who sometimes isn't white. For the most part it is a whole cliche, but at the end of the day it's no ordinary teen film, because Nadine is weird and awkward and rambles, and yeah it's nice to see that different type of character. But at the end of the day, she is a very attractive thin white girl. And when he her universe breaks down because the hot bad guy turns out to be a groping jerk-off, the same old Coldplay song begins as she finally breaks down. And yeah, it is just a generic teen film. 

And there's not really much wrong with that. In this case, I like this character, but only to a degree, she is very problematic at some points - like why she calling her history teacher to come collect her after she fights off the jerk-off? It does have a lot of 'women need men to exist'. And also as much as I do think Nadine is problematic, I do think she deserves to break the fuck down and have a crisis about her brother fucking her best friend and everyone treating her like she's temperamental.

Fuck knows that it is hard being young with a mental illness. 

It is a good film for the most part. But, it will induce a lot of anxiety. And there is a part where Nadine apologises to her brother, and he never even fucking APOLOGISES TO HER BUT KRISTA DOES LIKE JESUS FUCK JUST SAY SORRY FOR FUCKING UP YOUR SISTER'S LIFE EVEN MORE.  

Sorry.

A side note would also be that you won't fucking know what fucking era this film is set in for quite a long time, until a phone is introduced you'll only just realise oh this is at least the 2010s. 

My god I am salty today.